I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
