I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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