The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
