the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
