'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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