apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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