Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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