I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
