Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
