i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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