i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
