We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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