I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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