Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
