i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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