This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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