remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
