I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
