Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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