Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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