you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
