Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
