you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
