somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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