I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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