i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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