He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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