I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
