bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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