I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she told me i tasted like america
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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