You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
