Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
