you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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