I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
