i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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