nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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