i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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