i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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