even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
