Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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