I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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