I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
