A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i will never coherently bang her
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
