I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
