nut hugger
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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