i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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