No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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