but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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