Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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