dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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