Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
